Singing 'I'm No a Billy, He's a Tim'

Des Dillon’s brilliant satire of 90-minute bigotry in Scotland and its inextricable connection with the nation’s two biggest football teams first scored critical acclaim at the Fringe in 2005, and has since been a near-constant fixture in theatres north of the border. It’s to Goldfish Theatre Company’s credit, then, that they manage to keep it feeling fresh and uproariously fun. Not to mention vital, with off-field tensions between Rangers and Celtic having recently hit a sinister new low, reigniting the national debate about sectarianism and how to tackle it.

On the day of a crunch Old Firm clash, a fan of each team winds up sharing a jail cell from which their only hope of escape is cash raised by bets on the match to pay their fines. While taking turns to watch the action on a TV visible through their cell door, the pair bicker their way through every entrenched cliché of “Scotland’s shame” from religion to politics and national identity. But aided by their kindly turnkey Harry—whose worries for his sick grandson help put their petty quarrels into perspective—they’re forced to reach a grudging understanding.

The beauty of Dillon’s play is the timelessness of its format: stick Blues fan Billy and Hoops fanatic Tim in their respective club’s latest home strips, tweak some of the details and insert a few new jokes (a cracker about “sweatin’ like Neil Lennon’s postman” among them) and it feels bang up to date. It mirrors how teams, shirts and context may change over the years but the absurd quarrel between “huns” and “fenian scum” remains tediously the same.