Fringe Visitor's 101

Edinburgh during the Fringe is a city transformed by tourists, all coming for their fill of Scottish culture - coming to a Scottish arts festival to see shows performed mostly by non-Scots. It's very popular, this brand of Scottish culture: the tourists just love that quaint Scottish custom of spitting in the heart of Midlothian. They really enjoy being allowed to spit in a designated area on the street - I've seen people queing up to spit in the street. I suspect you could even charge people for the privilege. In fact, spitting on the street and looking at human stature must be the top two most Scottish things to do.

There are shows everywhere - last night I heard of a taxi driver who sings to his captive audience. Personally, I think I'd prefer it if they stuck to subjecting you to their usual bigoted views - at least that gives you an excuse not to tip them. But with shows everywhere, people start to think that everything exists just for their entertainment. Once, in a coffee shop on Nicolson Street, I was sitting in the window seat and two small boys stopped to look at me. Of course, I gave them the fingers and returned to reading my paper. When I looked up again, I had gathered a crowd of about thirty people, all standing and looking at me. That's more of an audience than some shows get - and all for just sitting reading a newspaper and drinking coffee! I should have passed a hat around.

Most festivalgoers never get further than the main venues and the Royal Mile. My advice for visitors to Edinburgh during August is at least once to get away from the wee Fringe bubble, and see something of the real Edinburgh. Have a dander down Leith Walk, where all types of humanity are gathered. Go for a pint in a pub in Leith, and you will see more characters than in the casts of every play at the Fringe. The spirit of the Fringe may be whisky, but why not sample that delectable local favourite tipple, and drink a half-bottle of Bucky?

Remember that time means nothing while you are here: a day is judged by the opening hours of the Penny Black. Why not try to start and finish your day in that pub - then you will have seen something of a different Edinburgh culture (and possibly the inner workings of the A&E department). These are all valuable life experiences.

Top tip: the local AA meetings are on Cockburn Street if you are here for more than a week.

So, my advice to any tourists visiting the city is simple: brace yourself, put your falling-down trousers on, and go have a look at the real Edinburgh. Oh - and stop spitting in the street. Folk have to live here.