Dear Rachel: Jim Smallman

Dear Rachel,

I do not drink, smoke, take drugs or consume caffeine. Last year I got kidney stones by consuming too much Irn Bru. I'm also incredibly timid in social situations. How can I best pretend to be sociable in order to interact with important television types at the Fringe? I really want to be on BBC3 or E4 before I get too old and grey.

Thank you so much, lady of knowledge.

im Smallman (aged 34... no, hang on. 27 for TV purposes)

Hey Jim,

Lady of knowledge? I like that. I like it a lot. I like it because it’s apt. Bless your cute ickle face for writing in. You know what Jim, it just sounds like you need a bit of Dutch courage. I imagine some readers may find this a little controversial but yes, I mean booze. If pregnant woman are allowed to drink a glass of wine (my Mum drank heavily during her pregnancy with me and I turned out flawless) then why can’t us normal folk have a quick drink before something important like an interview, live show, radio record, podcast, christening, court appearance?

My advice would be get a hipflask and fill it with your chosen tipple. Mine is Southern Comfort but you can also have gin, whiskey, rum, vodka, ouzo… That way, when you know some socialising is on the cards, you can whip it out, take a glug and feel the warmth in your belly. Wondrous things will come out of your mouth that way Jim. You’ll find that when conversing with people, you’ll feel happy, confident and I bet you surprise yourself with the brilliance of your cheeky banter. I know I do.

I should add that carrying a packet of mints or chewing gum might also be a good idea. You don’t want to breathe your jagermeister mouth all over important people now do you? You’ll be alright Jim, just drink through it. E4 inevitably awaits!

STUBBED OUT!