Dear Rachel: Chris Martin

Dear Rachel,

Everyone thinks I'm the lead singer of Coldplay and it's ruining my life. I got cold-called the other day by the charity Royal Protection of Parrots in Papa New Guinea and once they heard my name, expected me to write a 40k cheque due to my wealth and penchant for philanthropy. When I said I could only spare £5 a month they accepted my donation but kept calling me a "disgrace" and "the arsehole formally known as Chris Martin". People also chant "Yellow" at me when I walk on stage. I know it's supposed to be a funny musical reference but everyone not in the know thinks I'm a coward. This wimpy label combined with expected generosity means that I'm struggling to get myself a girlfriend. Should I change my name to someone with lower expectations? Such as Dane Bowers, Michael Grecco or just "Chris" (like the Brazilian footballers do)?

Please help me. 

Chris Martin 

Dear Chris,

Chris Martin, from Coldplay? Is that actually you? Holy. Eff. I knew I was getting well known because of my amazing agony aunt skills (all of my video blogs have had over one hundred hits) but this is mental. I saw you guys at Glastonbury once! I got goose bumps when you played ‘Yellow’ (mainly because that was the one I knew the words to). So, what’s the crack? You doing comedy now? That’s mental! You could totally get some free tickets to my show if you wanted. 3pm at Underbelly on Bristo Square. Be great press for me and you’ll get to see my amazing healing skills live so it’s a win win situ. Crikey, I still can’t believe it’s you. Anyway, with regards to the charity stuff, you should give more than £5 a month. Seriously mate. I would totally give more to charity if I could. Before I decided to invest all my money into an agony aunt career I used to do loads for charity. I once did a 1K run for the gays and I held a sponsored compliment day – basically, people paid a quid to pay me a compliment. Straight up, wasn’t a massive earner but the atmosphere in the hospital was off the hook. Listen Chris, you’re rich, don’t be a be a miser, its really unattractive. Give more to charity. PROBLEM: STUBBED OUT. Ps, Apple? Seriously?