These boots were made for walking out on you

Sometimes I walk out of shows- not my own, other peoples. Isn’t that shocking? A performer - definitely all too aware of what it feels like when someone leaves their show - doing that same thing to somebody else! I did it last night, forty minutes into an hour long show I left. I sat outside the door of the venue and waited for my friends to emerge when it ended. To my amazement I didn’t feel one bit guilty, just relieved. There was nothing wrong with the show; it just wasn’t really my thing. I know, such an infuriatingly vague reason to give!

A thing that makes me even more surprised at myself is that seeming like a nice lady is usually so important to me. I help mothers with prams down steps despite my bad back. I go for dinner with people I don’t like. I pet dogs with scabby faces. That’s how lovely I am! Queue jumpers, rude waiters, and bad drivers- all of them receive my smiles. I don’t say what I really feel in case some stranger will think I might not the nicest lady in the world.

A few years ago I used to be crushed when someone left my show early. That happened terrifyingly often in those days. I’d grind to a halt and implore the audience to tell me why it happened, pleading “Was anyone friends with that lady in the scarf that just walked out? Was she catching a bus, feeling sick? What? Is she racist against the Irish?” And of course the atmosphere would get even more awkward. People that needed to go to the bathroom sat frozen in their seats as tension filled the air.

Nowadays, super rarely, I see people having a terrible time at my show and I feel bad for them. I actually wish they’d leave. They are bored, they don’t like it; it’s not their thing. Then I can’t concentrate. I wonder what’s wrong with me. I forget what I was about to say, I murmur, I speed up and I generally become a worse comedian than I am.

So actually, I’d rather they left early and had a great time elsewhere. Since I’m applying that rule to my shows it’s only fair that I abide by it too, right?

Yikes! I hope I don’t get in trouble for this