The Macho and the Walrus Gent

I love a late night Edinburgh festival stroll. Nothing is more exciting than perusing countless artists and spruikers at Bristo Square then running the macho gauntlet through the Lothian pubic triangle- a place where grown men sheepishly interact with strippers dressed like erotic clowns as they sneak a cheeky fag outside the strip club. This time of night is when one sees the macho in its natural uninhibited inebriated state, an exciting anwalrd dangerous hour.

Last night I found myself walking on George Street. There I noticed a well dressed gentleman striding along the footpath wearing a heavy camel coloured overcoat with a wide brimmed fawn grey hat. He moved with the heavy gait of a man who had drunk his fair share, but his demeanour was sparkly and he whistled as he strode. Behind him two young machos were shuffling along quickly and giggling conspiratorially.

Suddenly they accelerated toward the gentleman, snatched his hat and ran off down the street whooping. The Gent paused for a moment expecting them to return his hat, but they raced on. When he realised this was a theft he released a walrus roar and gave chase. He moved well for a large fashionable drunkard and quickly accelerated to a dangerous speed, whereupon he slipped and came crashing to the pavement like a tall pine, arms still by his side. Everyone who saw this was embarrassed and distressed; however the Gent picked himself up and moved off with a dignified limp.

I can relate to the Walrus Gent and have had my fair share of attempted hat thefts and fashion based insults. Most recently three men in a van yelled, “Nice hat, fagot” at me and drove off. It was just a normal hat- round brimmed, a Long Island to be exact. The statement would have made more sense if the hat that I was wearing was a cork hat and instead of corks there were tiny penises hanging around the hat. Tiny penises that brushed against my mouth and lips as I walked. That would be a gay hat.

I understand why macho men like to steal hats, punch each other and break things; they get angry and drunk and vent their problems on random people. It’s a problem from time immemorial and so is the solution? The answer is with misdirection, distraction and pepper spray- like a magician. For example, one night I witnessed a nasty brawl and my girlfriend leaned across me at the traffic lights and yelled, “JUST KISS HIM!” The brawl stopped and the machos became confused, they looked at our cab sheepishly, stood up and then staggered off arm in arm.

The macho is easily confused, by loud or shiny things, however if your going to blast a shiny glitter horn at a gigantic drunk macho to stop him pissing on your front door, do make sure you have some pepper spray just in case.