The Fest Directory: Ian Smith

The Elephant House

21 George IV Bridge, EH1 1EN

A brilliant cafe known as being the birthplace of Harry Potter with, I imagine, very little evidence other than an illustration of JK Rowling sitting there. Rowling’s done some writing there, but it could have just been her shopping lists or some of her early rejected work—like ‘The Big Mysterious Pig’ or ‘Harold’s Bread Bin’—and not the famous tales of that spell-casting mischief merchant. It should be known for its amazing breakfasts, tray bakes, quirkily uneven seats and elephant ornaments.

Food - 8

Drink - 6

Atmosphere - 7

Fringeyness - 6

Secret Weapon - With the correct window seat, the view of the castle is brilliant.

Fatal Flaw - People taking pictures while wearing Harry Potter merchandise. 

Opium

71 Cowgate, Old Town, EH1 1JW

The main reason this dark drinking pit is incredible is that every Monday it does death metal karaoke – a £1.50-a-drink night populated by mentalists, screaming all their favourite songs. The theatrical Fringe crowds somewhat dilute the ferocity of song choice, heading towards more accessible pop hits, but if anything, this makes the night. Watching a drama student performing ABBA to a group of infuriated and inebriated hard rocking regulars is an absolute joy.

Drink - 8

Atmosphere - 8

Fringeyness – 5

Secret Weapon - A 60+ man who sings and rips his jacket off.

Fatal Flaw - The regulars always seem one more ABBA song away from murdering someone.

Mother India

3-5 Infirmary St, Old Town, EH1 1LT

I go to this restaurant every year. At least twice. I love it so much that I save going until the middle of the Fringe, to give myself some motivation. I’ve been known to shout ‘Do it for Mother India!’ half way through a show if I’m flagging. It’s the best Indian restaurant in the world (and I’ve been to ones in London and Darlington). It’s tapas-based too, so you can order two or three curries each. Wash it down with a Tiger beer and a side of conversation and you’re LITERALLY having some curry.

Food - 10

Drink - 7

Atmosphere - 6

Fringeyness – 4

Secret Weapon - Ever heard of a Peshwari naan?

Fatal Flaw - The fish pakora is hot beyond belief.

Princess Mall Food Hall

Princes St, EH1 1BQ

Person A: Hey Ian, you can’t choose to talk about a food hall in a shopping centre can you? There’s too much stuff. Ian: Shut up mate and get back to reading the rule book and eating Ryvitas, you lifeless, dull shell of a man/woman. Yes, there’s the standard Subway and Maccy D’s, but there’s also the only place I know of in Edinburgh that sells peppermint squares. If you’re feeling homesick, come here to experience a shopping centre food hall exactly like every other.

Food - 7

Drink - 4

Atmosphere - 4

Fringeyness – 3

Secret Weapon - You can get a starter, main course and desert from three different places.

Fatal Flaw - I’m pretty sure the toilet costs £1 to use. Regardless of what you’re doing.

The Royal Mile

The Royal Mile is crammed with pubs, cafes, a fish and chip place and souvenir shops. Why not sit and have a drink outside and take in the sights of the flyer-covered street? I’m talking about those mini-stages were you can see snippets of bad student theatre and listen to horrific a cappella versions of 'Livin' On A Prayer'. Other performances include children who have been forced to play an instrument and people standing still having painted themselves bronze and inexplicably being paid for it.

Food - 7

Drink - 7

Atmosphere - 8

Fringeyness – 10

Secret Weapon - Sometimes dogs will bark at the performers.

Fatal Flaw - Sometimes performers will bark at dogs.