Tales from Edinburgh: #2 Eleanor the Tour Whore

I have always been horny—I mean jealous of all those festival geeks, gag hags and puppet sluts who have their shit together for Edinburgh. Victims are logged, battle plans are mapped, bail money is saved, all for that possibly-inevitable grope with Richard Herring's house manager or an intense snog with someone who's been to the Traverse.

I once attempted to become one of these terrifyingly-organized fringe groupies several years ago. As a recent wine and love-stained diary recently revealed to me, here was my schedule one afternoon:

• 12:15. Cute puppeteer at C Venue usually exits side entrance to air out hand. Bring gauze.
• 14:05. Cast of Attila the Fun usually flyering near fringe office. Costumes come off easily when stepped on.
• 15:30. Wink at busker dressed as wizard. I want him for some beef burnin'!
• 16:20. 12 standups perform in assembly ballroom production of Agamemnon. Stage Right – I can see Brendon Burns' lower nut casing. Ooh, there is a god!!

I will spare you with any more details but needless to say, I was one prepared bitch. I had a pen, a rucksack with more pens, autograph book, biscuits, handcuffs, roofie gum and the unbridled optimism of a stripper's tit to name but a few weapons in my Fringe arsenal.

It was on the first day—it was actually the 3rd...the first two are warmups—of the fest when all of my best laid plans went south:

• 12:10. About to stake out my position when I saw Lisa, some geppeto groupie from Newcastle. Words were exchanged like "you have a rash on your tongue" and "this fist is going puppet hunting". Punches were thrown. I put her head in a sandwich board then she threw me on a shawarma skewer.
• 13:20. In casualty. Cute doctor. After leaving examining room to bandage head I took a jar of Codeine and washed it down with a cognac from flask.

Three days later. What's happening?  Escorted out of city by Edinburgh police. Apparently, I thought I was a Clydesdale and stomped on a kidney patient in mid surgery, blood, so much blood...I also reenacted Vicar of Dibley inside a syringe.

I guess there is a lesson to be learned here: 1) don't overplan your festival and 2) Dibley definitely works in smaller venues. I got four stars from the Surgical Times.