Drunk parking

Edinburgh is a wonderful city, a place of stunning visual beauty, great historical monuments, a seat of learning and high culture; the people have a generosity of spirit and warmth despite a torrential invasion of foreigners every year for a month. I’m most impressed though by the quality of drunk the city produces. There are some world-class pissheads in this town.

The layer upon layer of idiosyncrasy deposited by years of Tenant’s Super Brew is rich and varied. Without any request a richly seamed reveller decided to direct my parking a few days ago as I urgently reversed to get to my show.

Surprisingly he wasn’t helping. Firstly because he was standing and waving in the spot I was trying to get into. His hand signals consisted of an up and down movement with his left hand and a left to right movement with his right. I took this to mean, levitate the car and move it to the right. In frustration I signalled back to indicate “get out of the way you numpty I’m in danger of running you over”. The more emphatic my gestures became the more emphatic his became. We were lost in a “signal off” like two furious feuding late night TV signers for the deaf. Eventually he got out of the way.

I assumed from his resigned and disappointed demeanour that he was fed up with my inability to translate basic pissed into “back a bit, left a bit, ease her in”.
 
Despite his help I parked. Our friendship was now sealed. Through the open window he told me: “I’ve got eight cans in ma bag and another eight at home. The ones in the fridge are ice cold so when a go for one first thing in a morning a can see the condensation on the can when a get into the livin room”. Naturally all I could say was, “Brilliant”. He helpfully continues with:

“I’m just off to watch a DVD of Jet Li Forbidden Kingdom. Have you seen it? It’s much better than Warlord. In this one about thirty men come at him and he batters the lot a ‘em”.

Eventually I gathered all my bits and locked the car. “Nice one”, I say. “Look after yourself, eh”, he drawls.
 
That’s a quality drunk for you, practical assistance and informative conversation. In London you’d more than likely get an invitation to fight for having the audacity to be in a car.