Behold the relentless march of time!

Hallo UK! This little ginger Australian’s about to come pour some cash into your economy. Yep, I’m up to my FIFTH Edinburgh Fringe, and find myself quite the seasoned performer. I may also be right slap-bang in the middle of my life. Yep. Another birthday flew by, with the usual flurry of Farcebook-induced wishes, and it won’t be until I tackle the Edinburgh inclines that I’ll find out how happy I am about it…

Behold the relentless march of time! Gasp at my problem-solving, from years constructing stereo systems! My planning acumen borne of decades perusing TV guides and setting timers on VCRs (Beta and VHS)! Marvel at my understanding of the whims of the post office queue, spelling using my brain and the alien screech of the dial-up modem: brrrrrrrrrrrdt-tschhhhhhhhh, BEE-dung, BEE-dung, BEE-dung, FFFFFFFFT!! Let’s converse online - reeeeeaaaally slowly…

I belong to a hybrid generation. People under 25 make jokes about my age, as if I’m scooting around on a penny-farthing with an ear trumpet in my liver-spotted claw. Yet I’m as adept as they at every media. And, in addition, I know the gut-wrenching crinkling sound of analogue tape being chewed by a dodgy tape deck. I also know the joyful squidgy squeal of dragging a stylus across the 7-inch of someone you despise. And, no, “7-inch” is not a euphemism. Neither is “stylus”.

For now, these memories are cold comfort. I’ve had to move home. And there’s something about the fluoro lights in the folks’ bathroom which show up all greys I didn’t know I had…I swear, they’re ONLY visible in that room.

So before I morph into Kenny Rogers, complete with salt and pepper beard (also happens when you hit 30), I must blitz Edinburgh! And by “blitz” I mean “scale mountains, peel spandex/make-up on and off daily, fight illness and compact calluses the size of potato cakes on my skanky feet”. SEXAY!

Now excuse me, I must see if I can fit my walker and gramophone into checked luggage. Hey, I might have been born amongst Space Hoppers, home-use fire-crackers and Pong, but I know which way up to hold a pen and what to do when the power goes out. I’ve seen drive-in cinemas, black and white TV and those purple roller stencils from primary school that smelled funny. I’ll send you one of those flat, 2D pictures with indented coloured scrawl on one side that mysteriously arrive in that tin box on a stick out the front of your house.